Ep. 6 - Rachel's Story: A Journey of Teen Pregnancy and Adoption & Learning to Let Go of Being In Control

0:00:15 - Melissa

Welcome to This Is My Story, where everyday women share their stories of struggles and setbacks that have shaped their lives. I'm your host, Melissa Teutsch. In today's episode, Rachel Broussard, a mom, wife and therapist, shares with us a unique life journey that includes navigating the challenges of a teen pregnancy, making the courageous choice to place a child for adoption, as well as her own journey to adoption years later. Rachel also talks about her experiences with interracial marriage, raising biracial children and the invaluable lessons she's learned about setting healthy boundaries while parenting a young adult and learning to surrender control. Before we jump into today's episode, don't forget to follow us on our social media and subscribe to us. Wherever you listen to your podcast. You can find all our social media links, as well as more information about us, at ThisIsMyStoryPodcast.com. 

0:01:14 - Rachel

My name is Rachel and this is my story. 

0:01:21 - Melissa

Well, I'm excited to talk to you. I know this story. I think I have asked pretty much every question I'm going to ask you. I feel like I drilled you on we were going to a women's retreat I don't know if you remember this and I think I drilled you the whole way there on all these questions. Because it's just, I love the way it goes full circle. Your story does Not. A lot of people have this story and it ends a lot of different ways sometimes for people. I'm excited that you agreed to share it. Oh yeah, of course. Can you take us back? I'm guessing this would be fall 1998, based on the timeline. So you're around 17 years old and you discover you're pregnant. 

0:02:14 - Rachel

Yes, so probably. I guess it was actually June of 1998 is when I found out I was pregnant at the age of 17. Probably a year prior was when I just struggled with looking to boys and guys to give me validation and make me feel good about myself. And so, yeah, I found myself pregnant and, of course, immediately I was scared half to death and, of course, when my parents found out they were disappointed, devastated. There was just a lot of just shame and guilt that came along with that, and what we ended up deciding to do is we found a maternity home for unwed mothers. 

It was a Christian maternity home. It was actually located in Fort Smith, Arkansas, called Hannah House. I love this because we had looked at many different other homes, but my mom and dad's best friends their daughter actually was living in Fort Smith at the time and we all grew up together, and so they're the ones that told us about it and, look, they've lived very, a lot of different places, and so it just so happened that they were there at that point in time and knew about this place, and I'm forever grateful for that. 

0:03:44 - Melissa

So was it your decision? Or was it like your parents are, like we're shipping you off? You're a disgrace. 

0:03:50 - Rachel

Yeah, it wasn't like that at all. One of the things now. One of the things my parents did not want me returning to school, so it was my senior year of high school. They did not want me going to school pregnant, so I didn't start school in the fall at all, I knew, just because of the home environment and just it was just toxic. There was a lot going on, our relationships had become very strained and just all kinds of things, and ultimately I made the choice. My dad and I went and visited a bunch of these homes and honestly, I think it was the best decision that I made. But ultimately it was my choice. They didn't force me to do it, but I think it was the best environment to prepare me for what was ahead. 

0:04:45 - Melissa

So when you were looking at all these maternity homes with the intention to go there, did you know right then I'm going to put this baby up for adoption, had that already been decided? 

0:04:57 - Rachel

No, no, not at that time. There was just kind of a lot of unknowns. At that point in time, I might have been, like I don't know, two, maybe three months pregnant when we started doing these things, and so at that time really like still kind of in that shock phase of like not knowing really what to do or what was going on. So at that point in time, no, I would say that really those discussions hadn't begun. 

0:05:28 - Melissa

So what was your experience like being pregnant and being away from home? So I can just I know as an adult, being pregnant I called my mom a lot, I wanted to talk to her a lot. So did you have any kind of relationship like that with your mom while you were pregnant? Or was it like you deal with the people? You just talk to the people there, don't involve me. 

0:05:52 - Rachel

Well. So my parents, of course, were disappointed and they were going through their own. You know grief and issues and you know feelings towards it, but they were super supportive. They would we only at the maternity home we only had phone time, like at certain times, so it wasn't like I could call them all the time. 

0:06:15 - Melissa

And this was pre cell phones, yeah. 

0:06:20 - Rachel

So a landline, you know, and, of course, long distance. But yeah, I mean I would call, I would talk to them. They would actually come visit me from time to time. I did actually, like, during Christmas, I came home for about two weeks. 

So, you know, the experience was it was difficult, but at the same time, you are in a home with I don't even remember how many other girls, but at one time there may have been like 15 other women and girls in the home with me that were also pregnant, you know. So we're, we're all going through this together. We had wonderful ladies, the staff there was amazing. We and we just really kind of supported each other, and I really believe that that environment, though, gave me the opportunity to actually love and enjoy my pregnancy. You know, again, at home, and even when, maybe, I visited with my parents, at times it was almost still like a touchy subject kind of thing. You know what I mean. And so, like when I was in the home and around, the other girls and everybody else, like I, could find joy in this, in this baby, you know and enjoy being pregnant, and so that I believe it just created such a healthier environment for me to go through the pregnancy and enjoy it and get the care I needed and all of that. 

0:08:06 - Melissa

How was it with your siblings when you came back home to visit? How was that relationship with them? 

0:08:13 - Rachel

If I remember correctly I want to say I'm not quite sure if my brother was living at home. So I have an older brother, he's three years older than me, and then my sister is eight years younger than me and actually she is adopted and so that was a larger age gap. So she was about 10 ish, nine, 10, at the time. So she kind of was able, she, she saw everything. My brother, I know, was in college, he was living outside of the home, you know, of course he it also kind of distanced our relationship. 

The father of the baby, my, my brother, knew, and so it was just an awkward kind of situation. You know, at the same time my baby was, was mixed, was biracial, and so that kind of created another element to the, to the story and and to how my parents and family felt also because they did not at that point in time agree with interracial relationships. So that was kind of just like an added layer to their just kind of disappointment and and anger and all the things that they were going through. And I think with my sister you know again, she was, she was 10 at the time we didn't really talk about it much, you know, we just kind of continued the relationship we had. And you know, I just didn't really talk about it much. 

0:09:48 - Melissa

Knowing 10 year old, she was probably the most accepting. 

0:09:50 - Rachel

Yeah, either that or like. I don't know what to say, you know? 

0:09:56 - Melissa

I'm just going to pretend like nothing's wrong. It's all the same. 

0:09:59 - Rachel

Yeah. 

0:10:00 - Melissa

Right, exactly so. At what point did you decide to put the child up for adoption? 

0:10:06 - Rachel

So I would say probably around like November, December ish of 98. We started, I started a contact with an adoption agency in Little Rock, Arkansas, and so we, I began meeting with them and and I had all along, you know, at this point in time, at Hannah house it was a Christian maternity home and I had never I'd been been saved since I was eight and baptized then, but I'd never really experienced and knew what a relationship with Christ was. And so that is one of the, I guess the beauties of this as well is that, being at Hannah House, I, I was able to develop a relationship with Christ. So I began with all of these, you know decisions and things going on. I just began really, you know, just giving my life to him, like praying. We were in the Bible a lot, we were, you know, praising and worship and just all of these things. So I really really started praying about it and I just felt like that's what God wanted me to do, but that's what he felt what was best for not only me but but for my child. And so we began pursuing that. 

And look, I say this all the time like I mentioned, before, my sister was adopted, my parents adopted my sister. I was eight years old when she was born and we've had her since. She was like six weeks old. We went to pick her up and so at those moments when I was going through this, you know, I remember thinking and knowing. You know, 10 years prior, God was preparing me for what I needed. Right now, you know, I had, I had a view and an experience of the other side of adoption man, not many people have, and I was provided with the beauty and the joy that comes from adoption, and so I just knew I wasn't, I mean by all means, it was difficult, but I wasn't fearful of, I guess, the process and what maybe, again, the other side might look like giving up a child for adoption, no matter your age, couldn't be very emotional, so were you. 

0:12:47 - Melissa

Was there ever any regret, even on the day you gave birth? 

0:12:51 - Rachel

What was great was you know, of course I prepared for this, and so when he was born born on March 7th 1999, two days after my birthday, after my 18th birthday and I got to spend three days in the hospital with him actually, yeah, it was great my parents had come, so you know, we were able to spend time with him. 

We actually had a like a dedication ceremony in the hospital that we had like already prepared for One of the girls that I had really gotten close to at Hannah House, which she had chosen to keep her baby and she had given birth about two months prior she came. There was just so many people there so we were able to do that and for me that was special, that was very important to me to be able to do, and so I got to spend time with him and just enjoy those moments, take pictures, you know all the things, and throughout the process I actually got to choose the birth family and we had kind of been in communication back and forth throughout the process. God just gave me this overwhelming peace about everything and really to this day I have never once felt any regret or what ifs or should I have not, or what Like. I have never had a day or a moment or a thought of that, even after he was born I came home. So after I signed the papers, when the adoption agency picked him up from the hospital, I had 10 days to change my mind and during that time I actually came home to Louisiana and spent that time with my family and I remember my dad and I we were on our way to a softball game at my high school that I had went to and he told me he was like Rachel, we can go get him if you want to. 

I'm gonna cry but and I was like, no, you know, he's where he needs to be. He's like this is it. And I've just never, I've never regretted it. I know it was God, God's plan. I know this is what God wanted and I just I had to let go of control of that. I had to let it go. And you know, I often think about that how many people that go through that process of having to place a child for adoption. You know, and maybe not all are the same circumstances I was, but it is so heartbreaking when they talk about, maybe, the regret and how much they miss them. And not that I don't right, like I know, one day, of course, my heart is that I will be able to meet him one day, but if not, that's what it is and I'm okay with it. 

0:16:04 - Melissa

He would be 24 now, right, who can we do them? I did the math for you already. 

0:16:10 - Rachel

Thank you. I always he's like the same age as my niece. They were born in the same year. 

0:16:17 - Melissa

You got to choose the family. Yes, have you stayed in contact, like did you actually know their names or did you just get to choose, like a profile? 

0:16:27 - Rachel

It was a I think what they call like semi open adoption. So they did send me like a profile. I know their first names, not a last name. I know what state they live in, but not like city and any addresses or anything like that. For the first year after he was adopted, they it was required by the little contract, the adoption contract, that they send me pictures and things like that. And I want to say that that probably continued till probably for the first two or three years it did. 

Now, over that time as well, all our correspondents would go directly through the adoption agency. So I would also send things to him as well. I would write letters, I would update him on my life, I would send pictures, I would send him things for his birthday or for Christmas. I remember one year and I would send that every year. So I just kind of continued to do that one year. It was when they you could make those ornaments, like Christmas ornaments where you could like record something like your voice or whatever. And look, I don't even know if he ever got any of that Right, like I would send it to that option agency and where it went from there. 

I have no clue. I mean, I pray and I hope that he did, but I'm not for certain. But it gave me joy in doing that and for me he's a huge part of my life and my family's life. My husband and children all know about him. Like we talk about him, we remember and celebrate his birthday, and you know all of these things. So Do you know what they named him? Yes, they named him, so I named him Justice Trey at birth. They renamed him Johnny. Alfred Raymond Is Alfred, Raymond is his middle names. I believe those are the grandfather's names, so he's. And his adopted father is named John as well. 

0:18:51 - Melissa

So, but Johnny is his name, so yeah, I know that you went on to college I did and you got a degree in social work and your first job was as a foster care worker. Was that, because of what the experience that you had just gone through? Absolutely. 

0:19:12 - Rachel

You know, crazy enough, I went into like my first semester of college in early age or semester of college in early education, who knows why, because I certainly couldn't be in a classroom these days. But anyway, immediately that first semester I changed my major to social work, and that had a lot to do with it. You know, there's many areas of social work that you can work in and do things. I ended up getting my bachelor's and then my master's in social work and yeah, so my internship and my master's program was in the foster care system and through that, when I was done with school, that was my first job. I was a foster care worker and man working there, my poor little heart. I ended up becoming a foster parent as well. 

0:20:04 - Melissa

As a single woman. 

0:20:06 - Rachel

As a single woman. Yes, you know you would see all of these kids that just needed good homes and I just couldn't not, and so I ended up getting certified as a foster parent, just to foster. I had no intention of adopting or anything, but yeah, I got into that really quickly and it was very rewarding. It was great, it really was. 

0:20:38 - Melissa

You ended up with Tavis through that experience and I know it was a bumpy road, a lot of back and forth. So can you just walk us through that journey with fostering him and then ultimately adopting him? Sure. 

0:20:54 - Rachel

So Tavis is my 21 year old and he was three years old when he was placed in my home as a foster child and, like I said, I had really just gotten certified just to kind of foster and help out. 

0:21:12 - Melissa

And this was baby Rachel. You were like what I don't even know. 

0:21:17 - Rachel

Like yeah, like 24, 25. Yeah, so you know. So I got into it and he came along and he just kind of stayed right. I had him for three years. At first, and I guess around year two, they were like, hey, would you want to adopt him? And I was I mean no questions asked like absolutely, you know, by that time I mean he had become family. I mean it was like he was my child, you know, and you know grandma and grandpa and granny, but pop it, you know, he just is a part of the family. There was no way I was not going to adopt him. And so we kind of started working towards that and after he had been in my home for three years, the state decided to send him back to his birth mom. 

And that was really tough, you know. I look back now and I mean, look, I was, I worked for the state and I can't tell you how many people I called and talked to and all the things to say, hey, this isn't a good idea. You know, I tried everything that I could, you know, to keep him in my home, but unfortunately that's just not the way it worked and I had to eventually again just kind of let go and surrender to that and give that over to God. It wasn't mine to control. And so he went back to his biological mom and he was there about a year, almost a year, to the day that he went home, that the state took him back into custody, and so he came back into my home. 

At that time, I mean, of course, I was so you know glad that he was in a safe environment at that point in time and we were able to. Eventually, his birth mother gave up her rights to him and so, and at that point in time, I had found a husband. I had met my husband, actually when Tavis was transitioning back to his birth mother, and so, when he came back into Cust City, he was able to live with me, and in the meantime, Linton and I had gotten married. And so, actually in 2011, Tavis was nine, so started out age three. It wasn't until he was nine years old that we were able to actually adopt him. That it was finalized. 

0:23:59 - Melissa

You know, Linton was not in the picture at first, when you first had him in your home and then you all become engaged and then he's kind of in the picture. Some did he understand we're a packaged deal. If he comes back it's both of us Like you're going to be an automatic father. 

0:24:15 - Rachel

Yeah, it was, it was, it was understood and kind of like, and I don't really know, but the one of the first days that I met Linton, or the first time he actually met Tavis, he came over to the house and I sat on my back porch and just watched him jump on the trampoline and play with Tavis and like do all these things, and I just sat back and we both remember this day very vividly, Linton and I. But just sitting back thinking wow, like this is it, this is it, you know. And so really, from the get go, Linton just kind of dove right in. But yeah, now that doesn't come with the difficulty. So I think Linton was all in, but it's funny that Tavis was the one that had the problem. It was very difficult for him to allow somebody else in our lives. There were many times that, like Linton, I remember one time in particular, Linton had come over to the house and Tavis locked us out of the house, like we had walked outside or something and like wouldn't let us back in and like just things like that, that and like he would make comments or different things. But eventually, I think when he realized Linton wasn't going anywhere and he was sticking around, and he came around and was okay with it. 

I remember the night before our wedding, it was kind of funny, but you know, I was trying to like prepare him that Linton would be moving into our home, not just visiting, but like actually moving in there, and he was like, well, and I think it was like a three bedroom at home at the time, but he was like questioning, well, where's he gonna sleep? Like you have a bed, I have a bed, and Didn't have a bed or anything like in the other room, you know. And he's like, well, like where's he gonna sleep? You know, and I never was part of that, like that would be a question, you know. So of course I had to explain well, he's gonna sleep in my room, you know. So it was definitely a transition. I think we all grew closer, though, through that and again, as we were able to adopt him and really it wasn't Until we adopted him, he never called me mom whatsoever and I never pressured him to. 

But he never called me mom until we adopted him and just kind of out of the blue, he called us mom and dad. I was always ray. Ray before, is is what he would call me. So so yeah, but it was definitely a tough road, you know, and Tavis struggled to it, through it too. We had ups and downs and you know it was. It was a long journey for to get to his adoption, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I, like I said we I think we all learned a lot through the process. Again, another time in my life that Rachel can't control something, I gotta let it go, you know. 

0:27:43 - Melissa

What you haven't said is that Tavis is a black child. Yes, how, how did that? Yes, we'll get to Linton in a minute. Okay, how did your parents, you know, because that was like kind of full circle and like, did you feel like this was a Do-over, like, okay, I get, I didn't? You know, I chose not to keep my child because it just wasn't, you know, for his Future it was better option, but this, you know, I can do something for this child, you know, did you see your child in that child? 

0:28:21 - Rachel

So you know, what's funny is you would think maybe I would, but I never really did. You know, I just I didn't know, like when they placed Tavis in my home because he was black, you know, of course I had that feeling of you know what will my family say? Will they accept him? How will this, you know? But, man, they had no problem, at least none that I saw Said right and like they just kind of slipped into the to the roles of Loving and caring for him. 

You know, even my grandmother, who, who really struggled with Um when I got pregnant and with my interracial relationships, like Tavis was her little, like baby forever until she passed away, like Tavis was, just, was just special. You know, he was and still is someone who just like, like dragged you in and like he's just the cutest thing and um, you know, people just love him and so it was so easy For my family to just embrace and love on him. It was just beautiful and and everyone in my life really, I'd never really compared the two or thought like this is he's taking the place of justice, or anything like that. Tavis was just Tavis and and he was there and and we were gonna love him, you know, and he brought and has brought so much to To our lives, into our family. 

0:30:02 - Melissa

You were a single white woman at the time, raising or fostering a black child. Did you run into any problems with that? You know? 

0:30:15 - Rachel

There's always the looks or like. I don't understand this, you know, like I can't put this two and two together Um, Tavis and I and I don't remember it's funny, I don't remember how old he was, but one time we were in Walmart and a lady walks up to us and um, and he had to been younger, probably like six, maybe Six or seven, and she was she looked at us and she told him she said, oh, you have your mother's eyes and um, and we just kind of looked at each other like Okay, like thank you, you know, and just kind of kept on walking. But it was, you know, and people would ask questions, especially Then when and I know we'll get to that when linton came around, it kind of created more questions and and that sort of thing. But you know, it was important for me and I don't think I really realized the importance of it until Tavis was a little bit older. But, um, I wanted him to also like Um. 

I know there were times that he felt uncomfortable in regards to it, especially with kids at school. You know, oh, that's your mom, like, how's that your mom? You know, um, all the questions um that he would get. I know that, that, and we had conversations about that. I know that that was difficult for him at times. You know, through throughout his school days and and things like that. 

0:31:54 - Melissa

Did he have problem, you know, once he came back, because he had kind of been in and out for a little bit Did you have any problems with him feeling secure in the fact that that was gonna be his home now, forever? Or like, did he you know, or that trust that you were always going to be there for him, that you weren't gonna leave him, that you weren't going to send him away? 

0:32:15 - Rachel

I think, and which I guess I failed to mention as well, but during that year that he wasn't in my home, I still had contact with him pretty often, um, his um, you know, over the three years that he was in my home. At the beginning His birth mom and I had, you know, developed, we knew each other, we had each other's phone numbers, you know things like that. So Over that period of time she actually relied on me a lot during that year that he was with her, and so I would often go pick him up for the weekend, or she would call and say, hey, he missed the bus. I would go all the way across town pick him up, make sure he was at school. I would attend like parent teacher conferences at times at school or like things of that nature. So so I I think that he felt very secure and in coming back, you know, to live with me. I think he has always Known that he could trust and depend on me. 

I look back at it now Maybe I created a little too much of that, but it was also a loss for him. You know, he, when he was home, he he felt he enjoyed being with like his family, like where he came from, who he was and he connected, you know, with his cousins and all of these things. So I tried to continue that as well, continue those connections. We would have his cousins over from time to time or you know different things, just because like he'd longed for that and I knew he did, and of course it wasn't that he didn't want to be with us, but that was a huge part of his life, you know, and people that looked like him and that he could connect to you know you went on to have two other boys with Linton. 

0:34:27 - Melissa

Did Tavis ever feel resentment towards them? 

0:34:32 - Rachel

So and, by the way, Linton is also black, yes, so yes, we ended up having two other sons, Jeremiah and Bowen. Jeremiah is now 11 and Bowen is six. Tavis was super excited when we were pregnant with Jeremiah. He was, he wanted a sibling. He was an only child, you know, with his birth mother. So he was really, really excited and he was a great he's a great big brother. As they got older, and as Tavis got older, and then, of course, Bowen came around. I would say probably when Tavis was in his teens, you know, maybe ninth grade, 10th grade he struggled with looking and connecting with them as his brothers. You know, Jeremiah and Bowen knew nothing else. They've never lived without Tavis. 

0:35:38 - Melissa

Right, yeah. 

0:35:39 - Rachel

Like. So Tavis is their brother. That's just who he is, and regardless of whether he was adopted or not, but Tavis struggled with feeling a part of and connected to them as his brothers, or even as he struggled with as like as a part of the family at some point in time of his life, and I know he kind of still struggles with that as well, and so I know that that has been difficult. But he has always, you know, loved on and been a great brother to Jeremiah and Bowen. But I do know, because he's expressed that before, that it's difficult for him at times to feel like that's his actual brothers, you know. 

0:36:33 - Melissa

Aw. So how was your relationship with him now that he's an adult? 

0:36:37 - Rachel

Oh gosh man, you know I wasn't ready. I was not ready. Lord, have mercy for these teenage years and all the things. So currently, Tavis is actually living with his birth mother. Oh, wow, I did not see that coming. 

0:36:55 - Melissa

He actually moved out of our house. 

0:36:59 - Rachel

Man. I guess it's been about a year or two, and he's kind of had to figure out life, and so he has been. Currently, he's living with his birth mother. He is we still are in contact with him, though. He comes and, you know, hangs out with us, he calls, he texts you know all the things. When he needs some money, yeah, or somewhere, you know we're available. You know he makes sure to send us a message. 

When he turned, probably in 18, 19, he kind of started seeking out his birth family just to kind of see, and I think, overall, that has been. You know, I think he needed to experience that Now his birth mother still struggles with some addiction and things of that nature and really isn't the best thing for that nature and really isn't the best environment for him to be in. But again, I've had to learn how to set some healthy boundaries for myself and again, like, just let it go, I gotta give this to God, because it's not for me to try to control and figure out. And so Tavis has had to make some decisions and figure some things out for himself, you know. I also think, though, that he has grown. It has opened his eyes to some things. It has also provided some opportunities for him that maybe he wouldn't have had. And so we're still on the journey, we're still learning, we're still loving, we are again. 

This parenting thing never ends right. So, but it was tough. It was tough adjusting to not having him in the home and that was a difficult transition for Jeremiah and Bowen, especially being younger I think Jeremiah was maybe eight or like nine at the time and Bowen was only like four or three and so it was difficult for them to kind of understand that. That you know, when they become adults those things happen, and it still is. Bowen struggles with it probably the most. He constantly, you know, wants to call Tavis. I want to see him, you know he misses him. 

I know we pray for Tavis every night during prayer time and you know so. So, yeah, it was a difficult transition and I would assume that it's that way just again when, like siblings, begin to start moving at the house. 

0:39:34 - Melissa

Yeah, so Juliette is a senior this year and John Hayden even. You know. She spent three weeks away at a university this summer at a camp, and another week at another camp or at another university. So she was gone for like four weeks this summer and hardly contacted us and I was like this is how it's going to be. She's just going to leave us and then only contact us when she needs money or when I force her to. But you know, John Hayden, who is the same age as Jeremiah, almost he has spent, even you know we're still early in the senior year, it's only September, but he's already like I don't want her to leave next year, like, and he's like, come do this with me, you're going to be leaving us soon and all of this. And so I imagine you know, and it's hard for me, even you know, letting her go away this summer and getting that dose of you know, can she really take care of herself? Can she really make good decisions? Is she really ready for this? I would imagine that it's so much harder for you knowing that he's in a place where there is some addictions going on and in that environment that is might not be as safe and might and it's not a positive environment, like, like, are you just? I mean, I guess, like you said, you got to just let it go, but that's so hard to be like I don't want him there because I don't want him to fall into the same patterns as his mother, his biological mother. 

0:41:15 - Rachel

And I've kind of at first it was very difficult for me and, look, I have had to. Tavis has been homeless, he has slept in his car, he has been many things since he walked out of our house and that is like that is probably one of the hardest things, Even like I know the adoption was difficult, like with Justice, but man, having to watch him be in some of those situations and not go and scoop him up and save him from those things was probably one of the hardest things that I've had to do as a mom. You know, like I said, I, because of his situation, growing up, I protected him from so much, I shielded him from a lot of things and always went and scooped him up, you know, and I just having to then like, set some really healthy boundaries for myself and really for our family, I had to let those things happen because I was doing a disservice to him by just coming and scooping him up, and so I've had to allow him to experience some things. He's had to fail, he's had to, he's had to literally fall on his face and to learn again, like to develop some character and learn how to make good decisions and things of that nature, and I constantly continue to remind myself that God did not. 

I know this is not the end, this is not what God's final plan for Tavis is, but I do believe that Tavis has gotta go through this and he's gotta experience this to get where God wants him to be and to get where he needs to be. And so I just got to keep believing that. And that's where I kind of have to just put mama aside, because I would, mama bear over here would be doing it. All you know what I mean, that probably over the last two years and look, it's been tremendously hard. There are many times that I have cried myself to sleep, that I have cried to Linton and going to therapy, and all you know what I mean. But I know in the end one, it is creating space and opportunity for growth for me, not only as a parent, as a mom, but spiritually and in my walk in relationship with Christ, and so it has made me rely on Christ a whole lot more, and so I'm doing what God has called me to do as a mom, and it's been tough, but I see the rewards and God gives me little glimpses of like okay, Rachel, like I want you to see this, it's gonna be okay. 

And so I just kind of have to continue to put my faith in that, continue to pray and make sure my relationship with God is where it needs to be, because I would not be able to do it without Him. And so, you know, right now Tavis is actually working at the church. He got a job there, and so I often say, you know, thank God, like he is in a safe environment and a good environment there, where people are present to maybe pour into him. And so I gotta just keep moving forward and having faith that God's got this and I know he does. He always has. I mean, I've seen it from way back when. You know he's always taken care of me, he's always taken care of my family, and so I just gotta continue to put my faith in that and trust in that. 

0:45:34 - Melissa

I'm glad he's in a good spot because I know that your eight to five who you're around has a big influence on you and I'm sure that, like that mama heart just a sigh of relief when he got that job. You can't control where he is at night or what he's doing on the weekends, but at least you know. 

0:45:57 - Rachel

Yeah, yeah, and it is. It's kind of one of those times you say you know, thank you, God. 

0:46:01 - Melissa

You mentioned that Linton is black. We kind of helped. We're holding that off because I wanted to talk about interracial marriage. Yeah, so you have an interracial marriage and I know you said that you guys have had to work through some difficulties. First of all, going back to your parents, when you first brought Linton around them, what was the reaction? 

0:46:28 - Rachel

I knew, like I already had it planned, that when I introduced them to Linton, to my family, that I would most likely have to choose Him or my parents or my family. Like I was prepared, like that's where my mindset was, and, of course, not everybody was gung-ho, you know, but they were more, I guess, open to the idea of the interracial relationship, and this was like, again, another time, that I had to, and my dad was a little bit easier, you know, he was like Rachel, if you're happy, I just want you to be happy, you know. And so my mom was a little bit harder, but over time, and it was pretty quickly, because Linton and I got engaged like nine months after entire relationship and so and he knew, though, that I wanted my family's blessings from that, and so it didn't take them long, and I don't really think either one of them was like, totally in love with the idea at that point in time. But, again, one of those situations where I had to, I couldn't control it, it didn't matter what I did, I couldn't change my parents' hearts. There was only one person that could, and that's God. 

And I tell you what, like, I am so grateful and thankful, and I tell my parents this all the time, especially my mom. You know that she allowed God to change her heart and to work in her own life and change some beliefs, some old beliefs and things, and open her eyes to something new. And I say all the time now, like I think my mom probably loves Linton more than me, I'm okay, but you know it all worked out and again that was and look, it wasn't always great too with his family as well. You know he comes from a family that you know there's not a lot of interracial marriage and so he was a little worried about his family as well and it took some time for them to be welcoming for me as well, you know, and we were now combining totally like two totally different cultures, like night and day, black and white, literally right. 

You know, he's grew up in the country. I'm a city girl, like I mean so many things that are different. Everything was the way we lived, the way we did life, our thoughts, whatever, and so we had to, we were combining the two, and so it was super important for me. And look over there, we've been married for 13 years now and over this time we continuously grow and learn and seek to understand each other in our own cultures and thoughts over time. I remember when oh, now it's gonna like I'm gonna forget the deal in Minnesota with the whole black and white issue Anyway, came about. That was a huge deal, especially with Linton's family, and we were able to kind of sit down with them and just kind of listen and we talked about things and like really shared our how we felt and how we saw things and I think that that really brought us closer together. 

And my biggest thing is seeking to understand. Right, I wanna hear you, I wanna know your heart, I wanna know where you come from, you know and where your thoughts come from and why you think that way. And look, it's important to me because my children are biracial, like I want them to know and love the cultures and background that they come from. Tavis was probably he might've been in third or fourth grade. One night we were sitting eating dinner and we were talking about being African-American and he was like I'm not African-American. 

And I was like I was like, wow, like in that moment I thought to myself, like what have I been doing that he doesn't even know? Like that he's African-American, right? Like I haven't been doing my job very well, right? And I realized then that, like this is important, you know. And so I really and look, Linton's family has such rich they come from rich culture and heritage and legacy there that I want my kids to know and experience and be involved in you know, just as much as my family as well, you know. And so it's just super important to us to be able to incorporate that and allow them to experience things a little bit differently, and I just I pray that they will, you know, learn to love who they are, and I hope, again, it has to come from us. We got to teach them that and so I just pray that, again, me and Linton continue to be open to those conversations in our own family and, you know, be vulnerable in that, because I want my children to be as well. 

0:52:35 - Melissa

So, unfortunately, we live in a society that often categorizes individuals based on the color of their skin. Has this caused any problems with your kids? Have they been pressured to identify as one raced, or did they feel that pressure? 

0:52:52 - Rachel

I think the older they get, the more they do. Jeremiah is 11. He's the one that has become more aware of that, especially when he has to fill out papers and mark whether I'm Caucasian, African American, you know, whatever, whatever all the things. And so that has been difficult and sometimes, if I'm being real vulnerable and honest for me as well, right, like, I want to like mark all the things you know, can I, can I do five of them. You know what I mean, and so so it's. 

I think it's really just kind of been a, like I said, like an opportunity to like hear what, how they feel about it, and and really like just see where they're coming from and like hear their hearts and know their struggles with it. And, like I said, you know, bowen, he often he likes, you know, at the young, that age they like to categorize like the color of our skin, right, and so you know Linton's always been brown and and Tavis as well, and so him and Jeremiah, they he's like I'm sorry they're maybe tan or brown, I can't remember, and I'm clear. So, by the way, white people are clear, you know, like so we allow him to do those things Because that's how he's able to like determine how we're all. We all look different and and so he's. He's learning as well. But again, I think this is just like an ongoing journey of like understanding and really looking at who, who do, who do I, who do I think I am, who do, who does God say? I say, you know what does God say about me and how do I think about it? And so I fit into, and do I have to fit into, these categories right? 

And so I know Jeremiah likes, he wants, you know, we're going to check the white and the black box. You know that's where he's at and I often, we often, and we talk about, you know that people that are of mixed race, especially when it's like 5050, like that of Caucasian, African American, they're considered black. You know, and I said, because he sees that on a lot of his things and and I think because his skin is so much lighter, I think he identifies, you know, more as as white. But he, but he's okay with it, he's been accepting of it, he has a lot of black friends, you know, and so, like I, just I for me and Linton, it's like constantly keeping that communication open and the discussion there. 

I want him to be able to feel comfortable talking about it, because I know there is going to be many more of it to come. Yeah, you know this, this doesn't just go away, and if we just ignore it, it doesn't go away either, you know. And so I just want to kind of be upfront and I think again like we can look for many things, external things to, to gain our worth and our self esteem and how we see ourselves. And you know, we just like to, of course, pour into what God says we are, you know, and what God says about you and how beautiful you are, you know, and how God made you just the way he wanted you, and so I think that's important as well, just to kind of remind them what truly is important for them? 

0:56:47 - Melissa

In light of all the heightened racial tension, are you concerned for your boys as they grow, you know, as they become older? Are you concerned for Tavis? 

0:56:57 - Rachel

Yeah, for sure, for sure, you know I have those thoughts. 

I mean it's hard to not, you know, and especially for Tavis, you know, I know his heart and I know who he is, and but he could easily, especially in the environments that he's in and where he's at, could easily get himself into, you know, a situation, and so it could definitely happen, and I can't say that I didn't, I don't think about it, of course I do, and that's where I just feel like I have to one, educate my own sons and also, though, kind of build and train them in and maybe making better choices and decisions for themselves, you know. But regardless of that, I mean it could happen, you know, really to anyone, and I hope it doesn't. But but, yeah, it's tough. Again, if I stayed in that, though, constant worry and constant thought of that, I'd be miserable, it would drive me crazy, especially, you know, with Tavis. But I just have to continuously like, look forward and I got to flip that script and just put my faith and know that regardless, regardless of what happens, you know, I'm going to trust God in it, that's it. 

0:58:39 - Melissa

We talked about your teen pregnancy and putting the baby up for adoption and then brought it back around the story that I love of you know how Tavis came to be in that adoption and then talked about your kids and and letting and that interracial and those marriage and your biracial children. Out of all of that, are there any words of advice you have for anyone who is going through any of those things in their life or, you know, are having some challenges in any of those areas? Do you have any words of advice? 

0:59:10 - Rachel

Yeah, and I think it's kind of just kind of been the theme of this story and as I look back over my life, I see how God has just kind of like slowly chipped away and refined me and who I am. And you know I I'm a big controller. I like to be in charge and control things Me too. Just ask my husband, yeah, you know what, don't ask him, because he will have a lot to say. But you know, I've really had to really look at that act of surrender in my life and really rely on God for many things that I was constantly over time like just trying to control and that letting go and giving it over to God, but actually like following through and surrounding myself with people and in relationships that can support and love me through it and and again just develop and strengthen and deepen my relationship with God. Like ultimately, like that's all I have and that is that's really what has gotten me through. Because when we, when we surrender, when we let go of those things, that's where the beauty happens, Like that's where our joy and our peace happens and comes from right. Like that's how we get that. Because I guarantee, the more I held on to it and worried and tried to control it, the worse off I was, you know, and so for me that has kind of just been the biggest blessing and all of that. 

And I'm still learning, like I'm still every day. 

There are times that something will happen, or Tavis will call and mama wants to run right there and do it and I have to, you know, let him kind of my sounding board over here. 

Like Rachel, you got to let that go, you know, and so like I continue to pour into God and pour into his word and just create some space to just let go, I got to recognize I can't, I can't do this on my own, and so I guess that's kind of the advice I have. Man, you sound so wise. Oh girl, I've had to go through some things and again, I'm still learning and I'm still having to like put it down every day and let go. But I feel like, honestly, in the last couple of years I have really just kind of found this freedom and joy in doing it and my relationship with Christ has just blossomed and like it's just it's brought me to places that I never thought I could experience, even going through all of this, and just the peace that I have is I mean, you can't, you can't get that anywhere else, and it feels great, you know. 

1:02:30 - Melissa

Well, thank you so much for agreeing to do this. 

1:02:35 - Rachel

Oh my gosh, I enjoyed it. 

1:02:39 - Melissa

Thanks for joining us today on This Is My Story. If you'd like to be a guest on our show or know someone that has an inspiring story they'd like to share, please visit us online at ThisIsMyStoryPodcast.com and fill out the contact list form. If you enjoyed today's episode and want to hear more inspiring stories, make sure to hit the subscribe button, and don't forget to leave us a review on your favorite podcast platform. This has been Rachel's Story. What's yours? 

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