Ep. 3 - Shara's Story: Overcoming Anger, Pride, and Codependency

0:00:16 - Melissa

Welcome to THIS IS MY STORY, where everyday women share their stories of struggles and setbacks that have shaped their lives. I'm your host, Melissa Teutsch. In today's episode, Shara Manning, a mom and occupational therapist, shares her journey from anger and bitterness to peace and contentment. From a challenging upbringing in a Christian home with an alcoholic father to finding coping mechanisms in achievement, pride and codependency, Shara's journey is one of trials and triumphs. After her father's death five years ago, Shara began working through the years of anger and forgiveness and bitterness from her childhood. Through Celebrate Recovery and counseling, she found peace and contentment, and today she shares her journey of transformation with us. Before we jump into today's episode, don't forget to follow us on our social media and subscribe to us wherever you listen to your podcast. You can find all our social media links, as well as more information about us, at ThisIsMyStoryPodcast.com. 

0:01:19 - Shara

My name is Shara and this is my story. 

0:01:24 - Melissa

Tell me about your childhood growing up. You grew up in an environment that you had an alcoholic father. You had a verbally abusive mother. What was it like growing up in that environment? What was your childhood like? 

0:01:37 - Shara

Yeah, well, I mean, from the outside it looked like the perfect childhood, right. We went to a little small Baptist church Every time the doors were open in Lake Shore Monroe area and just very involved in the church. 

My dad was in the choir, my mom taught little GA Sunday school, all the things. So I mean we just kind of had like the little perfect childhood. But they struggled financially early on. So I didn't really know that as a child. I knew it but it didn't affect me a lot and I think I would say like zero to 10 was pretty good and we moved when I was fourth grade, so that was around 10 years old, and it was like the other side of town. 

So that kind of affected my life as far as just not its access to the church. We actually live right down the street from the church, so it was just different. It was like out in the country and just a little different life. My mom really didn't want to, so I think she always had some bitterness with that. But just, I guess just starting on to my preteen years and they were starting on to that, they got better jobs and things like that and yeah, I remember preteen life, just a lot more tension in the home. I always adored my dad. He was just. 

We were very close just throughout childhood but we were getting involved in other things as kids and my mom just seemed like she was on edge all the time and just like stressful and I just remember that part and just kind of worried about money as well. And meanwhile at the church I'm trying to be involved I got saved at eight years old and then reaffirmed it at 11 or 12, got baptized again. So we were just very involved with that. But very soon into my teen years I don't know I was very independent person just from very early on. I remember my dad telling me you're so independent, you're so strong person. So that's just who I was. But that was significant to my adult life. That's just kind of who I was and how God made me. It kind of set me apart from my siblings. 

I'm the middle of three. Brother was 18 months older and my sister was like three years younger and he was always kind of a nerdy kid in school. So I just seemed like everybody thought I was the oldest. So I was kind of that stronger personality and just kind of did what I needed to do. My mom seemed like she was just not as independent and strong. I just always saw her striving in life. I got a lot of credit card debt and my dad was working but just seemed very passive and just increasingly you could see her just very uneasy and just trying to keep the family together kind of thing. And so I'm seeing it from my view and just see that she's crazy, she's just doing crazy things. She wouldn't like her or anything like that, but she would just angry a lot and he would just come in from work and just kind of be there. He was actually working, he was a mailman, so he'd work on Saturdays as well and he's not as there much, but when he is there he's just so much fun and just kind of laid back and I just loved him for that, because she was the opposite. 

So my brother struggled in school, so there was a lot of tension there. She was trying to get him to do all these things and my sister was kind of I don't know, kind of got a little bratty, kind of thing. So my intentions were to stay out of it and they tell me I would go to my room and slam the door a lot and just like I was done with everything. My goal in life is to get out of the house and get out of this family. So I saw better for myself. So that instilled in me the lie that I was better and I don't know, kind of that pride that I've noticed later on. So it was like I need to do better than this and my family is the most dysfunctional family ever, I thought. And then I get out in the real world and realized it wasn't. 

But yeah, so in my mid teens there was a series of deaths in my family. So my mom, my dad's mom, died, my mom's dad died, like my aunt died. I mean I think like in like a close family friend, I think there was like four or five deaths really in a row and I remember that happening, but not feeling the effects of it. Right, because I'm a teenager I was close to them, but not a lot, especially close to my dad's mom, which spurred on my career choice. Actually she had a stroke and well, 16. And she died around that time actually and I saw how she had rehab and everything after her stroke and I was like I'm going to do that. I just saw that that was so special that she could regain the skills that she lost after a stroke. 

So anyway, I was just so independent, I was just like I was there at my family. But not there. You know, like as far as emotionally engaged and all that, I was just like I'm going to do my own thing. I got a job at 15 years old at Subway and you know, just doing my own thing, driving, working, going to school, had my own life, kind of separate from my family, and just so determined. 

Both my parents did not graduate college. So I was determined like I will graduate college. I just had so many goals and like just I'm going to do these things because I see them striving in life and I'm not going to do that. I was so passionate about that. So, yeah, meanwhile, all from all those deaths, I believe looking back at my dad, that's kind of what spurred on my dad's alcoholism. He kind of probably always drank or whatever just for fun, but it got really bad after some of those deaths and just my mid teens time and so you know he would drink a lot, come home drunk and I had no idea of this, like he hit it very well and I adored my dad, like meanwhile, and all we saw was my mom like being crazy and like, but really, looking back, she was trying to keep it all together and like now being a mom, I'm like wow, she was just. I mean, I feel sorry for her. You know, as far as having a husband like that. 

So. But we saw like she was just crazy and she was trying to like I mean just always on edge and angry and all that, so so I just didn't want to have anything to do with her and I would run to my dad for emotional help, and so you know that probably hurt her. As far as you know, just he's off doing all this. 

0:08:52 - Melissa

Yeah, so she was keeping it from you guys also, like she wasn't letting on? 

0:08:58 - Shara

Yeah, she wouldn't allow him to drink in the house. So we had no idea really. He just seemed like a really fun guy and he wasn't any abusive with it at all. So, yeah, so we just saw it from her. But we also saw our family falling apart, really, I mean. And so meanwhile we're at the church and I'm trying to look all good, and then our family was falling apart. She left him a couple of times and I believe in my late teens they stayed married for the kids and for us to just keep it all together, but it was falling apart. 

0:09:32 - Melissa

So when did you realize your dad had a problem with alcohol? 

0:09:35 - Shara

Probably late teens like 17, 18 years old. I actually graduated high school when I was 17, just because I started school early in kindergarten and didn't turn 18 until my first semester in college. But I was still living at home at the time, so that was when it was really bad and as far as just the tension and craziness at home and still living at home, like I said, my number one goal is to get out of the house and when that house across, town it was our house I grew up in my child years became available. We were renting it out. You know that story. You were there during that time. We cleaned it up and we moved across town and so that was freedom for me. And meanwhile it was still crazy at home with my brother and sister. My sister was still in high school, but I was like I'm done with that, so it kind of just like took it out of my life. 

0:10:32 - Melissa

Yeah Well, when we moved in together into that house I'd met your parents. They would come around ever so often, but I never realized I didn't pick up on any of that. And you didn't really talk about it. You might have talked about it with other people, but we were still relatively new friends so I didn't know the backstory. So when you were like years later, when you say all this, you say all this, I was like wow, I had no idea and it kind of makes you feel bad that you're not having those really deep, intimate conversations with people that are supposed to be your good friends, your roommates. We were just in college doing our own thing, trying to graduate, dating all that, and it was just I feel bad. It was so superficial in some ways. 

0:11:22 - Shara

Oh no, I mean, I probably did not want to talk about it and didn't know how. Probably yeah, didn't know how, didn't want to. I probably would have been happier being further away from my family. But I was lucky to go into college in my hometown but it was still really close to home where that was still happening. But yeah, he was just a fun guy. He would come over and just, I mean, he talked a lot, so that's just how he was and that's just who he was. 

0:11:55 - Melissa

I think he ended up being my mailman later on, like after I got married, and he was my mailman so I would see him around. So when you were through your teen years, I know oftentimes people who are going through situations like that with their family will internalize that guilt or feel responsible for how their parents are acting. Did you ever feel that way or were you like, was it easy for you to be like? This is not my problem, this does not involve me. This is not because of anything I've done. 

0:12:28 - Shara

No, yeah, I never thought it was my fault, my guilt. I thought they were crazy. I wanted to have nothing to do with my family. I was just like I'm better than this, I have bigger plans than this and I have nothing to do with y'all. So that was my coping skill, I guess. And yeah, I never felt any guilt in myself. I was like when my mom would get mad at us. 

I reflect on that now because I'm a mom and I have to get mad at my kids, when she would get mad at us and probably spank us or whatever. I mean, I'm not a person that's, I don't have guilt and shame. I was like, ok, I did wrong, I'm going to get over it. And there was a lot of oh, I am so thankful for this so much forgiveness in my family growing up, like if something happened, we were good the next day, like there was forgiveness and that was the understood, just how we lived life. Like if my mom was crazy the day before, I didn't hold it against her for days after. No, we were good, we could hit, we forgive, we go on. So I'm so thankful for that. 

0:13:38 - Melissa

You mentioned your coping skills. Were there any other ways that you coped during that time unhealthily? 

0:13:45 - Shara

Yeah, so I'm so thankful for my friends. I say that I don't know God just gave me Jamie and band and all of the things like that, because she was such a kind of just had a really good Christian life and it was funny. I talked to her earlier this year and it was actually I was making amends to her through my recovery thing and she's like I thought you were such a great Christian person and I held on to you because you know. So it was like mutual, but I thought she was so great, so in that I ran to my friends. 

My friends were my coping skill but also I was so codependent on them and I ran to boyfriend so I had a pretty steady boyfriend through high school. I would go to his house instead of him coming to mine. My senior year was hell, if I can say that, as far as friends goes, I was so codependent on them that I would try to do whatever they wanted, but they also were trying to distance themselves from me because I was acting like crazy the way out. Just my behaviors, so as far as like, just all those codependent behaviors, so very weird, Like you know. Of course I didn't realize it then, but I thought like nobody liked me. That was my lie in my head. What have I done to you that you're not gonna talk to me? You know, what did I do? What did I do? Like, whatever I did, I will change myself so that you will like me. That was yeah. And it carried on till like college years. 

0:15:30 - Melissa

It doesn't sound like you know. You said you loved your dad, you adored him. So were you ever ashamed of your family? Like did you try to hide them from certain people or like just not want them to come around? I mean, I know you didn't talk about it. 

0:15:44 - Shara

Yeah, I just didn't talk about it. I think, you know, if they came around, we were just like whatever. But yeah, I didn't, like you know, try to not have them around people. I mean, I think it was very surface level with my you know interactions with them. You know just, I remember just a few times going back to the house and you know just, it was just like I'm here, you're there, I'm so above you, that's what I was my, and so I didn't try to hide them. I think, Like my dad was super fun, so I didn't care if he was around people and I really didn't think, oh, my dad's drunk, I don't want them around, I don't want them around people. 

I never thought that, I just thought he was super fun, Like, yeah, like I don't know, maybe in denial or just an unaware. I was very immature emotionally and I know that because, you know, just growing up in the real world and going out, I didn't have the skills to know these things and to try to prevent them. You know, I was very immature emotionally and had a lot of learning to do. 

0:16:54 - Melissa

As we all. At that time around, that time that we met, you started dating your husband. I think you might have already been y'all met, like your freshman year college. 

0:17:05 - Shara

Yeah, my first week in college. Yeah, in band. 

0:17:09 - Melissa

Yeah, in seeking a boyfriend or a husband, were there certain things like I'm not gonna have this kind of marriage? You know, based on looking at my parents and their example, were there certain things that you were looking for that you're like it's not gonna be this way, I'm gonna look for somebody completely different, or did you? You know, you said you adored your dad. Were you looking for somebody who was like your dad? 

0:17:33 - Shara

Yeah, I think I was looking for somebody like my dad. As far as like who he was, you know, because he's not, and I think I knew that then and even now too, you know, as far as you know, I know more about like sins and addiction. Like that's not who he was, you know, it's just like what he did, you know. As far as that, of course, I didn't want an addictive husband, but like, yeah, I wanted my dad was very in tune emotionally and that's what you know. I'll tell you later how I dealt with that but very in tune emotionally. So I wanted that. And then, yeah, so my I, we dated for five years. So it's very intentional about my future husband. It's awesome that it was the same person as far as, like, god gave me him in my freshman year and he stuck with me because he probably shouldn't have stuck with me there, I mean, so he stuck with me. We recaptured this. 

My parents divorced when we were dating. Through college, we went through some really bad times with my brother. He was living with my dad and my brother had some mental stuff, go on. We went to the same church. So I think that really that was part of our story. We went to the same church and college, you know, when we were dating. So we just aligned with a lot of things. 

And so I was very intentional with just who he was and how we were gonna do things. And I mean, I was like we, I will make sure of all of this on the front end, because I saw my parents struggle and I think they kind of rushed into marriage and they were love or whatever, and I was like no, ma'am, I'm going to like, I'm gonna make sure that. You know, I don't remember like the certain qualities, but I was just like we will make sure of this and this and this and this. And I was very intentional about marriage and not rushing into it and marrying after I graduated college because that was not gonna be a roadblock to my relationship or me as a person. You know, I'm like no, I will graduate college because my parents dropped out because of marriage, I believe I don't know. But like having kids and all that, I'm like no. So I was a little too intentional, I'm probably. 

0:19:49 - Melissa

You said you were co-dependent with your friends. Where you co-dependent with him?

0:19:53 - Shara

Oh, actually I've really never been co-dependent with him To a fault. Actually, probably later in my story you'll hear that I was very critical. I have been very critical of him and very angry of him and he's just the opposite, like he's gonna do, like he's gonna, kind of he's not codependent on me, but he will do whatever I want and not say anything and I'll be critical of him. So I'm not trying to change myself for him. It was my friends, like I've only been codependent on my friends. So just weird how I compartmentalized that in my head, striving for my friends to accept me and not him, because I always knew he would be there. So I don't know. 

0:20:41 - Melissa

Yeah, I guess he became family, so you felt secure in the fact that he was going to leave you, whereas friends can be more fickle. 

0:20:49 - Shara

Yeah, and that was, I think, the very rotating thing was friends left me and friends weren't there for me and friends didn't feel that emotional need that I wanted or needed. And I realized that I put too much expectations on my friends and just thinking this is how a friendship should be and I thought I was the best friend ever and they should reciprocate that to me. And when they didn't, I was just messed up. 

0:21:20 - Melissa

So what was the turning point for your mom and dad to seek help? Was that before? Was that early on, like after they got divorced, or was it years and years later? 

0:21:33 - Shara

So yeah, they realized pretty early on after I moved out and it was kind of getting crazy. My mom said recently that she had to give him an ultimatum and say is it the drinking or your family? And my dad valued family a lot but he chose drinking. At that point he said I'm going to keep drinking. So it's like she had no choice. And if you remember, we were in the house about a year and my mom and sister, you know, moved into the house and y'all had to move out and everything. 

So then I was stuck living with my mom and sister again and in that craziness again. Then I was trying to escape. Yeah, so she sought help at that time. She went to Alenon and just really, I mean we saw such a change in her. She worked the entire thing kind of just a lot of things. She had a lot of emotional things too, and so at the time I was like I don't know what you did, but like you are a different person. So I mean it was really good because it was just a lot more peace when I was around her. 

But my dad continued drinking and it was. It got really bad. I was in part of my schooling was in Tulane University, so I was in New Orleans at the time and then having to come back home sometimes, and so I was very detached. But during that time my dad checked himself into rehab and it was in Shreveport. So I was feeling emotions about it and looking back well, and I knew at the time I would blow up angrily at my roommates. I was pretty stressed out internally. 

You know I'm trying to keep it all together and just do school and have fun, but like meanwhile all this is happening at home and my mom and dad would come to me or the end of my siblings for emotional support and would tell us you know, all this about your mom and this about your dad, you know, and so we were like this shouldn't be happening, you know. So it's just it was a lot of emotional time. 

0:23:43 - Melissa

So it sounds like you went many years what something like probably 10, 15 years before you kind of recognized this. You know, I have an anger problem. I have these problems that have stemmed from all these feelings I had as a teenager dealing with my parents. So what, before we talk about you know, when you decided to go get help yourself, how were you? How were you as a wife, how were you as a young mom? You know, being critical being anger issues, like what you know, what was that looking like at your own house? 

0:24:21 - Shara

Yeah. So yeah, we got married in 2004,. My life began in 2004. I was, you know, started my career, my marriage, everything like literally, and then had a kid about three years later, two or three years later, and so, yeah, I just felt like, okay, we actually moved away, about six hours away in Arkansas, and I was like, right, I'm done with my family, can get away from them, and so I actually don't have a lot of memories of my family during that time and all I wanted to do was to better myself, to like I threw myself into Bible studies at the church and the mentorships at my church and I just I felt like I I didn't have that at all, like I did, like I wanted it as far as like this emotional maturity, but I didn't have it. And I felt like these mentors were so much better than my mom. So I, you know that's what I was, my mindset was and I want to learn from them and all that. So that's the mindset I had. I was so much better than my family and so I, you know, distanced myself and, you know, just kind of started life. It was good, there were really no problems, critical, all that. 

1. I did feel the, the codependency I didn't know that word at all until recovery time, but I had that on my friends still, I searched for friends cause, you know, living away, I didn't know how to find friends and it took a long time to find friends in my adult life. You know, I think a lot of people struggle from that but they don't talk about it. As far as women, I was very goal oriented, achieving all of that. So I started my OT career but never was able to get where I wanted to Like there was always something holding me back. 

I was always like not the leader OT, not the, you know. It's like. I always wanted more, you know. And so, 2010, when I was pregnant with my second girl, I found Mary Kay and they gave me all the recognition that I always desired and told me I was amazing, you know, and all the things right that they that kind of thing does. So I just threw myself into that and I was like, oh, this is amazing and to the detriment of my family. So I didn't really, I don't know. A lot of moms are very much like, oh, everything resolves about my kids and I was like, no, everything revolves around me Really is kind of I didn't think that but I acted that way. 

So I would go off and do all the things that I need to do and achieve and do the things and, you know, have this and have that and everything, and meanwhile have a family and you know it's great because my dad, my husband, was learning to be a husband and, you know, raise our kids and but yeah, that was my mindset like achieve, achieve and do, and, you know, to the detriment of my family and not really caring about their needs, wants, emotional needs, all that. 

So my husband just let me do everything and kind of, you know, didn't say anything all those years and, and so I you know it's good, but like not to like detriment your family, right, like so you have to find that middle ground of that. So I was just like striving, striving, striving to do this, and meanwhile I hated that word Like my mom strived my whole entire life to be financially good or, you know, keep her family together. So I was striving in a different way though, like wanting better and wanting more and everything, and I did become a sales director, earned the car, all of that, but meanwhile, like at that time, my husband was traveling to China right as that happened, and my kids were little and so I was trying to find nannies all the time and it was just kind of crazy time and trying to just keep it all together as far as, like what we looked like on the outside and just not focusing on what really mattered, I think. So I think my anger and everything didn't really come out until like later. I'm thinking of like chronologically, here is like 2014, 2015,. 

2013 to 16 is when I was a director and kind of like Chad was traveling a lot and it just it really wore on our emotions and you know, just life, and I was striving to keep it all together in my business and really didn't do it the right way as far as, like letting God lead it. I was trying to, like you know, just do everything, and I'm such a doer by nature I'm just like I can hold it together, kind of thing. So it's crazy how, like I've learned in my life, you know, we say I'm never going to be like my parents, but we turn out to be our parents and like, just because this is what we know and but maybe in a different way, so I would say 2016, I lost the directorship and I couldn't hold it all together anymore. So there was a very humbling time for me and very I'm like okay, and meanwhile I'm doing my OT career in this. 

0:29:33 - Melissa

So how do you lose the directorship? Do you do just based on sales? 

0:29:37 - Shara

Production each month. Yeah, so, like after a certain amount of time, like a three month period, if you don't have the sales after three months, you can't be a director anymore. And actually I lost the car too, like as far as, like they, you have a re-qualification period and I didn't re-qualify, so they came and like towed my car away. 

0:29:59 - Melissa

So so how was that? Were you like at that point where you're like this needs to happen, or was it just like, mentally, you were like I'm a failure? 

0:30:10 - Shara

No, I think it. I was to the point of like this needs to happen. It was because when it happened, I came on a video on my Facebook thing with my group and I was like I was in the like lesser jacket thing and I was like I'm good, like I'm done striving, I'm done trying to achieve and like act like this is who I am, when I'm not. And you know, because meanwhile I was actually into a Bible study called Significant Woman and just really searching for who I was in Christ. That's a big part of my story as far as, like, I didn't know my true identity. So, you know, just searching for that and thinking you know achievement was, or you know this is who I was, but believe, when you don't have your true identity in Christ, you search for other things and try to mask all of that or put on what you think it is and just doesn't work. And I was exhausted and so, yeah, 2016, very humbling time, but I was accepting of it and knew it needed to happen. 

And finally my husband was like, oh, I was so glad you're not doing this anymore and you're you know, this is what it was doing to our family and I was like you didn't say anything so, and he was probably scared of me for saying he didn't want to say anything because he knew it would lead to other things. So yeah, it's a lot. 

0:31:33 - Melissa

I feel like we, our stories, you know, the achieving part kind of parallels a little bit with us. I, you know, even with starting this podcast, I'm always looking for something outside of just my day, my nine to five, my my day job to do. That's just me. That's something that I control. It's something that is a reflection of what I want to do, and for many years I did monogramming. 

I think you knew that I had a monogramming business, but it also can was, you know, practically detrimental to, although at the time we needed it because Matt wasn't, my husband wasn't, he didn't have a permanent job, so he's he's a English professor, so he was adjuncting, which pays way less than like a full time permanent position. So we really needed that money to help supplement our income at the time. But I was like every night staying up super late, monogramming, like every weekend like I have to do this, I have to do this monogramming, you know, and it just became such a burden to where I felt like I was putting, you know, this thing that I didn't even really like anymore ahead of my family. Hopefully my podcast has not become that way. This seems much more manageable, more like a hobby. It doesn't require near the time that monogramming did and it's not, you know, it's not money based, it's not. Oh, I have to do this because I have I sold something and I have to get it out the door. Yeah, it's not sales space, it's different.

0:33:03 - Shara

You can find that middle ground. Oh, it's so good, like so you know, when you go through all of that, you feel like, oh, this is now. I know, you know where the sweet spot is, like do what you were called to do, but it's from God and it's not from you and you're not striving to do it. It is just God flowing out of you to bless others and it's not a burden and it doesn't become that because it's from God. Oh my gosh, I have so much. 

I'm all about that because I learned a lot from that and so, yeah, so that was like a very humbling time as far as the year 2016. And so meanwhile, my husband was actually we were thinking about we need. There was a position coming up that we could move to China and, oh no, I did not know this. 

Yeah, but we didn't talk about it because we didn't, I mean, I told you know close friends or family and so that was a big thing. That year I was. We were like, okay, this is a turning point, you know, we were actually thinking about moving houses, you know. So we were like, okay, we'll leave or move, or we'll move to China. So we were just kind of putting things in place where we were like, okay, like this is, and so it was not a missionary thing. It was like with Walmart and he would be just, you know, so sometimes when you move over there, it's they take care of you, they put you up in a house, everything. But no, this was gonna, it's almost a missionary thing because we would just be getting paid Walmart money. And then I was gonna be like home schooling my kids, which was terrifying. 

We were having that mindset and so come up like November that year. So I lost my director ship in February. Come up November that year and he did not get the job and he told me that and he didn't really show it. He. It was a very big kind of humbling time for him and realizing okay, you know, this is not what God had for us, and all that so God knows everything, of course that next 2017, in February, chad's grandmother like got paralyzed and had to go into a nursing home that was in Monroe, my dad in the summer, well, and that he did it straight. I don't know if he got sick then or his house. Yeah, no, he. I think. 

The flood happened in 2016. His house flooded and he had to get out of the house and so he didn't have a house but his. He had arthritis and he had like a long stuff going on because he smoked all his life. So, rewind, like he got recovery, all that. He did not have a drop of alcohol, like I would say the rest of his life. At the end of the life, he did drink some because he just didn't care, so, but I mean he didn't. He was a completely different person. I tell you that he like talked a lot when he drank. He didn't talk hardly when he did not drink. So we were like who are you? You know he was a completely different person so that was weird, but but still just so loving all the things. So he had really good recovery. He was on his, you know, just doing his thing bachelor life. But he got real sick also and he lost his home and he would go back to the home and I think I believe that he got like all the mold and mildew in his lungs as well. But 2017 he had to go in for like a biopsy of his lungs and they found so much more and it didn't drain correctly all that. So he stayed in ICU over the summer. This was like June. He in 2017 I stayed in ICU, had to go to long-term acute care, so many things. Meanwhile, he doesn't have a house. He's like trying to rent this trailer. Like he's probably out of kind of out of a house. He's trying to get ready this trailer. 

A lot going on in my family in 2017. So God knew I did not need to be in China that you know, and you know just need to be there for him, so I was able to be there for him. I had a OT job, but it was very flexible, so I was able to go to him several weeks and, you know, six hours away. I was kind of the responsible kid in the family. So I'm you know he made me power of attorney. You know I had to do all the things for him. You got into the house and just pretty much gave up. He was in a lot of pain, all the things. 

So in November of 2017, he decided to go on in-home hospice care and that was a decision we all had to make and and then we didn't know what was. You know the the future of that, and I was away and didn't really know, and a lot of emotions around that. And so just went to see him one more time in March, over spring break, and he died the end of that week. So just a lot of emotions, a lot of. So as soon as that happened, all the emotions flooded. It wasn't for me, it wasn't a stage of grief, it was like all it was, I mean, and the main thing was unforgiveness of my mother and just anger. And so I believe you talk about like how it was. 

I 2016, 2017 that is when the anger came to my family, just so critical of my husband, and he didn't deserve any of it like he was, just like oh you know, like ever, his pins and needles, and you know, just looking back I'm thinking, you know probably a lot of stress, I don't know all the things, but it was like, like he said, 15 years of me not dealing with my emotions, just avoiding them. All came at once when he died. And so I'm such a doer and so, you know, the first response is like, oh, I just got to get everything done. But I, I think I gained a lot of spiritual maturity. You know, tell, I told you I was searching for that all those years. I think God prepared me spiritually and maturity and, like I said, I was searching for that identity in Christ and you prepared my marriage to like. You know, okay, we're gonna stay together and go through this and just a lot of tools that I gained in that time helped me. And you know when this happened? You know, because before then it was everything. Life was good. You know, I was trying to achieve and that was my thing, but I just realized I was like there's, it doesn't matter, like God made me for who I am and that is enough. 

And literally I took a class, like a Bible study at church, by Jenny Allen, called Stuck and one of the and it was kind of like a CR. You know, it's like, okay, this is how we get stuck in life and I was searching for that. I was like I just feel stuck, I don't know, I can't do what I want in life and I feel like I can be these things, but I can't. And what is holding me back? I was so mad at that and one of the things that was like a week of study was contentment. And like contentment, like not being content, can help me stuck. I literally had to look up the definition of being content. I did not know the definition of contentment. I was like what is this? And didn't know that that could be a thing in your life. So, yeah, I mean, that's been a big thing as far as like peace and content and being like just be who God made you and like stop striving. You know what, why? And because meanwhile I have a great home, I have a great husband, I have a great life, why, what am I trying to do? So that was just. 

It was like a humbling but confusing time and so, yeah, I knew that I was not okay. Like I said, I had the spiritual maturity to know that I needed counseling and because I was just crying all the time like and I was so mad at my mom when my dad died and that doesn't make sense like why? And she didn't deserve any of it. And you know, recently, when my relationship with her was fine, but like I lost that emotional support in my life my dad, she was never that for me, though I was mad at her for not being that and I didn't want to talk to her like I was so mad at her for months after he died in March. And so it was funny, mother's Day came around and I was like I was still mad at her, but I was getting counseling at the time and really that it really helped me learn. You know how to forgive and you know there were some things that she told me like you know that that's just saying like, take on God's forgiveness. They always say like, oh, god forgave you, so you should forgive them. No, like I don't have that capacity. So what helped me was I have to take on his forgiveness for her. It can't come from me. And so that started my journey that year. 

My church I just credit them so much because I have so many resources. I got counseling from my church. They have a grief share class, so I was in that every week and it was so good as far as just processing grief and what that is and you know, kind of giving us permission and all that and actually grieving. A lot of people don't, I think, you know. And I would look at my siblings and I'm like why aren't you doing this? And so I think they grieve differently and all that. But so I, you just needed all the resources, right. 

So I did grief share but I didn't share a lot and that is really weird for me, like I'm always like I'm gonna share everything. But I realized and I also was in BSF and just trying to like just gain from the Bible. I didn't share a lot because I knew I was just angry and they did not want to hear my anger, like I would just go off on somebody or something or some concept or and just like tell them all the things and I didn't have no filter and just looking back at my life, like that's just how I God made me a certain way to be that way. But that's not. Like anger is not who I am and literally I would say I'm just an angry person, like that's just who I am, but like no, like that's not who I am, like I'm not my emotions. 

So sorting all of that out was that journey, and so in that grief share class, the word that stuck out was surrender. It's like like I said, why am I trying so hard, like I have to just be done and I can't, I can't try anymore, I can't do it on my own strength. So it was so much when it was crazy, like when you go there again in your mind it's like you're still there. That was the end of 2018. You know, my dad died March and that was. It was a lot of things that that happened that just led me to just complete surrender. So, beginning of 2019 they also have in my church a Celebrate Recovery. 

0:44:16 - Melissa

Will you explain what Celebrate Recovery is? 

0:44:26 - Shara

I was researching for a new thing to do, right, and my grief share had stopped and you know, it's like what do I do now? And I was like I just need this Celebrate Recovery. So what it is is pretty much a 12-step program, but in the spiritual realm, with the same started it back in California Saddleback Church. The millions of people have found recovery from Celebrate Recovery. It's based in my, usually in churches, and it's like a. It's a 12-step program really. The steps are based on the Beatitudes in Matthew 5 blessed are the meek, blessed are the poor in spirit, blessed are them. You know, I mean. So it's like it's okay to be sad, it's okay to be humble and it's good and it's just all the things. So I was just done, done. So I was actually in our regular church service and asked, telling a girl that oh, I think I'm gonna do Celebrate, Celebrate Recovery. Low in the hole, like the pastor Celebrate Recovery was preaching that like on Sunday morning in the regular service and just talking about something. I was like, oh my god, such a sign, you know. So I was just like all in, you know kind of how I do everything in life. I was just like fully surrendered my first time at Celebrate Recovery, like we pick up a blue chip and we're like, okay, I'm ready to to get this over, and I was just like where's my blue chip? Where do I sign up for class? Where I mean, like in a lot of people it takes a while, like I'm just like completely in. 

So meanwhile we have five deaths in our family in 2018 and going into 2019. So when I'm like surrendered and go into CR, my stepdad my mom's husband at the time was in the hospital and pretty much lost consciousness and, you know, had to get resuscitated, but he never came back all the way and he died in that January. So that was the fifth death in five years. It was my dad, my grandmother, my mom's mom, our dog of 15 years or something like that, and then Chad's grandmother in December and then my stepdad. So I was just like what's happening? You know like it was just. You know it was, like I said, my childhood that happened and it was like that over, all over again. 

But I think the difference was I had resources in my life and I threw myself into these positive resources of you know counseling, brief, share, Celebrate Recovery and knew that I needed help emotionally because it was just kind of chaos in my family and my world and just a lot of emotions. So I did, yeah, start that and start the step study in January. I had to miss my first step study for going to my stepdad's funeral and but I mean, just threw myself into it. 2019, it was good, but this was several times that I can think of that, thinking I'm in recovery, I'm fine, I can just act this way and I could have these things in my life and so, realizing my triggers, yeah, because I would probably have my lowest horrible moment in 2019 as I was in recovery, thinking I could have all my family over for Easter, because we're trying to like do different traditions, because my dad died I can't describe the the way that how I blew up emotionally in anger towards my family. 

It was unimaginable. So I believe a lot of the I had a lot of low points as far as emotionally trying to sort it all out, like thinking I'm better but I'm not. I still have these tendencies, I still have these emotions, and so it was a lot of up and down that year as far as that goes. 

0:48:29 - Melissa

What are your triggers? 

0:48:30 - Shara

My family, I guess. So yeah, they say so. In the anger share group there's a list of things that describe us and so I was like check, check, check. Some of them are when I see somebody that is not apologetic for their behavior. But if somebody is, I'm good to forgive them. But if somebody doesn't or is not aware of their behavior and not apologetic to it, then I can't handle that Like no, you need to realize how you are and be apologetic for it. 

So just a lot of expectations on people that are unreasonable. And now they would say that I'm like they are not unreasonable to me, but in life they're unreasonable. So I have a lot like high expectations on people because I put that on myself, I believe, and I believe I can do these things, but if they can't, then that's not okay. And just thinking, I did think everybody should be like me, and if they're not, and they can't do that, then it's not okay, you know? So just silly things like that. I mean, when you think about it it's silly, but in the moment, like it's not okay for me. 

And so for now, like even now, I have to like when, like, a group of family get together, I have to have an out Like that time at my house. I didn't have an out because I was at my house, but like I have to be able to get away and calm down, or like I say a lot of Lord, help it, and I breathe and I Jesus, and just pray a lot more in the moment. And you know, instead of like saying something that like or just like pop off and be critical, I have to step back and, you know, breathe and all that. And so the next year I became a holy yoga instructor and they say like oh yeah, that's, you know, but like literally I did it. I mean not only reason, but like it has really helped me, like you know, be grounded and peaceful and breathe and all that, and know the importance of that. 

0:50:31 - Melissa

Did you get into holy yoga because of celebrate recovery? 

0:50:35 - Shara

No, actually I was some occupational therapist and working with kids and my original reason I probably did yoga for some spiritual reasons. I also did it because I was actually to have an physical trainer and I didn't do any stretching. So I like found yoga because I needed stretching but then found some Jesus on my mat for real, like in a secular yoga class, just didn't know that I needed that spiritual component and didn't know that that was there. So I would say 2017 and then 2018 at all Okay, so yoga was there to help me. But then also I do occupational therapy and I had a kid who kind of needed some OT kind of movement or yoga kind of movements. We kind of use it indirectly in the yoga, in the OT world, and so I thought I need to know what I'm doing, to like show him what to do and didn't want to just like halfway do it. So I really did it because of that. And then also, like you know, the spiritual part of it just my friend had done holy yoga. Actually went to my 20 year high school reunion and my friend led a holy yoga class. So it was just, and I was doing Christian yoga on YouTube. So it was just a series of things and God was just leading me to it and I felt like it was a continuation of my recovery after CR, and it truly was. I didn't know how much it was until I got into it, because they got to go through the same thing. As far as you know, just surrender I mean, that's what I do on my mat every single time, and I felt I've learned that I'm a body kind of person and then I have to, you know, through my job as well, but, like I, just I need that body expression. So that is what it is for me as well. And, yeah, so the message of holy yoga really resonated with me. I needed that, as I was one of the days and I actually did it in 2020. So it was a very good therapy for me and it was already set up on Zoom as far as the training, and so it just worked. 

But my dad got cremated, donated his body to science, so that year later and it started, holy yoga started. Actually, it was two years later. I didn't get the ashes till two years later I was going to be on a holy yoga call or class and at the same time, we were redoing our landscaping and we bought a tree and planted a tree and put my dad's ashes underneath and and then talked about, you know, beauty from ashes and you know God makes everything new and just God was just so working on my soul during that time and just so thankful for that. So out of that I took actually a class in holy yoga talking about the seasons of life and out of that I just I so believe in that, just how God has us in. You know they relate to the seasons of the year. 

You know, you know spring time and in summer you're on fire. We're like fall, he, he, he cut something down from you because we get too prideful and he cuts, he cuts something off, he takes something away and it's good, we don't want it, right. But fall we have to shut off. All that is not okay with, you know, being a child of God. And then the winter it's hard but it's so good. You know you have to contract in and you have to, just, you know, lean on him and you know you think about a plant or a soil. You know like they just soak up all the dirt, all the nutrients, but they're dormant. You know you don't see them much, but you, you need that time to soak it all up to. You know, be a good plant in the spring. 

And so I had about a three, three year winter time and that can be different for everybody, right, the timing of it, and you can go through all the seasons and you know three months if you need to, but you know. So I believe in 2021 started my spring time. But they say spring is like, you know, sometimes it's cold, sometimes it's warm, sometimes it's you don't know, you're uncertain, you know you're gonna fall, you're gonna weird, it's, it's, it's a weird time. So I felt that and I went through. I've been through four jobs in three years since 2020. 

And so also did another step study and learned about a lot of my anger towards leadership. And just, yeah, they just had to lay all that down. They say CR is like an onion and he peels back one layer at a time when we're ready for it. And the anger was the biggest thing, right, but then became the pride and the insubordination. And you know why am I not okay with leaders? Well, my dad was supposed to be a leader in my home, but he wasn't, you know. 

So, like I always had that in the back of my you know who I, you know it didn't come out to later and all the anger didn't come out to later. 

So I, I mean, while I'm trying to like prevent all this and my kids, right so, and they always said, you know, you're so good to do this now when they're little, so that like, yeah, I don't like mess up my kids forever. 

You know all the things, right, and like I remember my teen years more than my little kid years, right, like so you know, I think we have more memories and you know we, we have more emotions in our teen years. So you know, my girls are coming up on teen years and like I don't want to mess them up, like I was or you know that I didn't want to be, so you know, trying to be better mom and wife and all the things and who they see. And then you know, just, we had some other struggles with my daughter of the past couple of years, and actually just a year actually, and so she gets into, you know, middle school life and all that right and and but yeah, so it's just middle school is so tough, so it's just such a it's just the word surrender, like you have to surrender it, like I can't do it on my own, I have to have him to. 

You know, walk with every day. It's like one day at a time really. So I've had that mindset going into it, and so you talk about, you know, always needing something more and everything. So right now I am in a position of big, big humility or big contentment. I would say. I'm in in my job I just got into. I work only eight hours a week, kind of by default, because I'm trying to build my. Well, it's not nice because I don't in my soul Like. I want more right, and that's who like right. 

0:57:27 - Melissa

Yeah. 

0:57:27 - Shara

My flawed self is I want more always and but like I feel like that person is way less now. You know, like I Chad. It's funny, I really love this question he said and I would have answered this in a very different way five years ago. He said where do you find value? And that's been a big thing. The past three years my big word has been valued Like my leaders need to value me at work. My husband needs to value me when I say all the things, right, I need. My kids need to be grateful for me and value me and like. 

But I learned like I need to find my value in God, not all the things, and so that's been another level. But he said where do you find value now? And I said everything. I found value in doing laundry for my family. I found value in paying the bills for my family. I found value in picking up my girls from school, because I can. I found value in helping these kids, in my eight hours of OT work in their homes and helping these parents. I found value in, you know, maybe leading a step study anger group, like, just where ever God wants me. I found value in when I do my Holy yoga classes. 

Now I didn't plan on being a Holy yoga instructor, I just needed it for my work. But it became way more, and that's what I'm saying. God did that Like, I didn't, that was not my plan. So I believe now it is so much more valuable when God gives you something and it was never your plan and you're like, well, it's just happening, so I'm going to go with it. And what can God do with it? He's just going to bless it way more than we ever asked for. Her imagine. So my, my big verse for it from my recovery is Ephesians 3 20, where he can do more than we ever asked for or imagine. And I take that because I thought I imagined my life and I had all these plans for my life and I was going to do all the things. Why am I trying to do anything? Like, if he does it, it's going to be better than we ever asked for or imagined. So why am I trying to do anything? So just be led by him and things are going to happen and he's going to bless it and it's going to be better than we ever thought. 

And so in my OT life I became really good and this is not what I imagined. I thought I was going to work with spinal cord injury and adults and all that. I'm pretty much doing the opposite, working with kids. And I got really good and this is from him like working with kids with behavioral problems and and hard, you know, just hard behaviors and sensory issues and things like that. That was never my plan and I got good at that. 

And now I'm, you know, just leaning into that and learning more. And as I do that, I see the need more in the community and I say, well, I can do this, you know. So I just it's a different mindset and I learned from a leadership class in Holy yoga that to have a humble confidence I never knew what that was. I'm like either you're humble or you're confident. You know, confident humility or humble confidence, and you know, just be confident in yourself but like humble about it, you know. And so I've had to learn that a lot too, because I struggle with anger, pride, codependency and still do and I equate it to, you know, anybody who's addicted to anything like they, you know, have to deal with that every day. And I have to deal with what I struggle with every day, but I lay it down daily to try and try to do what he wants. I don't know, so it's like I don't even know what I'm doing. I just try, and a lot more humble. 

1:01:18 - Melissa

Are you still involved in Celebrate Recovery? 

1:01:18 - Shara

Yeah, so I go just on Fridays, I don't. I'm not in a step study right now, like some people do like 20 step studies in their life or like they lead them and everything. And I was like a co-leader in my second one, but yeah, so I go on Friday nights and they have a worship service and I mean, my worship has changed. I'm just like sold out, I don't care. And then so they also. They either like teach us like a principle or they have a testimony and I've shared my testimony three times at CR, like that's kind of part of your. My recovery is just like kind of, yeah, just writing it out and sharing it. 

Yeah, I can tell you've shared it a lot but yeah, and then we have like step study like or like small groups where we you know that focuses on like a lead, an anger group, and I lead about once a month but I then I attend them to through the month when I can go on a Friday night and just so good, because, like the people there are just it's like what church should be. Really. It's like, okay, we all got stuff and we introduce ourselves with a right is what I struggle with, but it's not who we are. You know, it's um, you know it's just we all got stuff and but we accept you for who you are and we're all childs of God and but we all struggle, but just accept you for who you are and that is just what Jesus did right. 

So I love that environment and I'm Just recommend it to anybody. It's amazing, it's helped me and I share it with anybody who wants it. Not everybody wants it. I've found and and you know people do other things, you know, or need other things for their recovery which is great. And we've also gone through re-engage, me and my husband. That's like CR for your marriage. So good, I'm just. I just really appreciate all the resources because I can't on my own.

1:03:01 - Melissa

Have your husband and kids seen a change in you? 

1:03:08 - Shara

Yeah, definitely, um, I don't know just a lot less critical, a lot less, you know, just I strong, I guess. I mean, I still I have my moments, I still do me. My daughter, 13 year old daughter, struggle with me, yelling at her because that's what I grew up with, you know. So I just what I know, and so she struggles with that, I struggle with it, and so I'm just like what don't be crazy, and I'll be crazy. So there you go, um, when she's okay. Yeah, I'm talking about trigger. 

1:03:45 - Melissa

Yeah, when mom is happy, everybody's happy. 

1:03:48 - Shara

Yeah, yeah, um, so overall, yeah, it's a lot better. You know, as far as I just know, like it's, for example, like they are in like a campsite right now and like doing all the things to set it up and put it down, all that I know that's the trick. I like I can't, like that's too much for me and I get stressed out. So like I slept at home Like I'm good, like you feel thing I do mine, I'm good, like so just, yeah, little things like that. 

Yeah, and like just I had to put in place like Expectations or you know, just like a list of things. Like cleaning is a trigger, like if I get to cleaning and they're not cleaning, then like it's not okay. So like I had to like make a list this is what you clean, and I had to like go of it like this is what you do, I am not worried about you, you know. So, yeah, learning processes that happen, that I mean. So, like I said, it's not like a switch. You know, like I mean, yeah, emotionally, but like I still struggle with it. So, yeah, I had to like put in positive habits and processes that will help. 

1:04:48 - Melissa

So have you made amends with your mom? 

1:04:53 - Shara

Yeah. So I did that year in 2019 and it made amends with her and really forgave her in my soul, like I mean she didn't need forgiving, but I had those like and I had to. So, yeah, I mean she's here right now and she's. We just cherish our relationship. I've realized the person she is, who she is. Learning the enneagram really helped me. So like learning, you know, just without other people, like I said, like not everybody's like me, but like it helped me learn who I am and be okay with that. 

That was another thing in my jobs. I got told that what I did was not okay and who I was was not okay. The guy was the person that always spoke up for everyone and I'm the bold one and everything and people like me for that. But I was also chastised for that. So I had to sort out what is okay and what's not okay. So that's been a journey after Initial recovery, like who am I and who did God make me and what is okay, you know? So I've had to learn that like it's good to be that person that stands up for people and is red, you know, protective or or says something when nobody else will you know, in a good and nice way, not, you know, crazy and confrontational way. But but I was told that that's not okay and that, and so I would become that codependent person, like, oh, how do I need to change, I need to be better, or all this stuff. No, like that's how God made me. So like, if you can't, oh, aren't okay with that, I have to, not, we have to do something different. So, anyway, so I had, I learned who I was, but also learned who a lot of people, other people are my life, and my mom was one of them and just realized that she's such a giving person and just so, oh, just wants everybody to be loved and helped in everything, and to her fault sometimes. 

Just just realizing the good qualities of her and but just realizing also her background and how she grew up and she didn't have the skills that I thought I needed as a Teenager. So how can I expect her to give those to me when she didn't have them because she didn't grow up with them? So, just having a lot of grace on people I believe after you know you're, when you need empathy and grace then you Learn to give it more. That was a big lesson for me, because I didn't feel like I had any empathy before that. I was like, yeah, you know, I don't care about other people's lives, and you see it suck it up or whatever you know. So definitely getting that out of this. 

1:07:27 - Melissa

Well, it has been so inspiring hearing your story because I had no idea Most of this, like I said, had no idea the work you've done. That's so inspiring that, instead of just being just sitting in that grief and Sitting in those struggles and just being like, well, this is just how it's gonna be, that you were like, no, I'm gonna make it better, I'm gonna do the work, I'm gonna put in the work because I just, you know, my family deserves better, I deserve better. So that's really inspiring. Before we wrap up, do you have any advice for anyone who you know maybe they're at the beginning of this, the journey? You know, maybe they're, they're listening and they have. You know they're very critical, they have anger issues, they have Unresolved feelings with their parents, with their upbringing, with somebody in their life. You know, what advice do you have for them? 

1:08:17 - Shara

Your life can be better and that's what I feel like my life Like. God gave me that mantra like of you know, be your best self, not only like. And for me it was like oh, you can look pretty, you know, and have a great skincare and makeup and hair and clothes and all that, but no like, be your best self. Internally, you were not made to carry anything beyond the cross, the line from a Mercy Me song it's, it's not yours to carry the unforgiveness and the thing, the things that happened earlier in your life, and whether that comes out in anger, anxiety, all the things right it's, it's not worth it and you can have a better life and you can go into your purpose for life and and be who God made you to be, but you have to get rid of all the crap. 

Before that, I was in that significant woman class and it was talking about who you are and who you are in Christ and all that, and it didn't address all the things that you have to get rid of first. And so I'm doing a study right now and it's called um Living, Living Vibrant Health, which talks about, like, taking off all the things that you know Doesn't work and then cultivating you know what, who you are in Christ, and then continuing on in life. So I think that's what it's all about Just find who you are, but you're rid of all the crap, because it's not worth it and you were made for better and more. 

1:09:39 - Melissa

Well, thank you so much for doing this. I'm so glad we got to do this. 

1:09:43 - Shara

Thank you so much for asking. It was a great experience. 

1:09:48 - Melissa

Thanks for joining us today on THIS IS MY STORY. If you'd like to be a guest on our show or know someone that has an inspiring story they'd like to share, please visit us online at ThisIsMyStoryPodcast.com, and fill out the contact us form. If you enjoyed today's episode and want to hear more inspiring stories, make sure to hit the subscribe button and don't forget to leave us a review on your favorite podcast platform. 

This has been Shara’s story, what's yours? 

Transcribed by https://podium.page